Que Sera, Sera

Chapter Four: Vulnerability

To be quite honest, I was dreading for school to start back up this semester. I was desperately trying to mentally prepare myself for what was ahead with the five day break I got in between summer and fall semester. I took that time to do absolutely nothing and even when classes crept up I felt as though I wasn't given enough time. I was mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted.

Vulnerability

uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.

Spiraling

At the beginning of the first day of class, Dr. Vang explained that we had made it to the vulnerability semester of the McNair program. For many of us this would be a very important semester, filled with graduate program applications, the GRE test, and were more than likely taking higher level courses in our major and minors. There is a lot of time to think and a lot to think about...

I felt an enormous amount of pressure from those around me, especially my family/parents. I did not want to disappoint anyone, but more importantly I wanted to show people just how capable I was of achieving my goals. Not only that, but sending those applications takes a lot of vulnerability. Yes there is a potential of being accepted, but there is always a possibility of being rejected. I'm not sure what scares me more, being rejected or not going for it.

All of this combined, as you could already tell put me in a terrible mental state. I had gone into the semester already at such a low point and exhaustion adding this heavy weight only made me spiral. My anxiety started to spike and caused me to lose sleep. I was constantly thinking about what my future looked like, what I should do, and reflecting on my whole life. I needed a break.

Things started to look up after I had a meeting with Dr. Wonder. I didn't think anyone could fix my dilemma but came to find out she not only fixed it but made it better. I had a plan.

I understand things may not go the way you want them to, but its always better to have a plan than to go into it blind. My next step is to apply to RA positions in order to get research experience and it also gives me a break from school. Typically, these programs have two year commitments but after those two years I plan on applying to clinical psychology P.h.D programs. Now that I know what I want to be I think it would be difficult for me to settle for anything else, which is why I know everything will work out in the end.